Christmas

Dallas Cowboys – Dallas Cowboys Christmas (1985)

  • Posted on December 22, 2009 at 12:49 am
Dallas_Cowboys_Front1-1023x1016
Dallas_Cowboys_Back1-1024x1008


Is there anything more painful to witness than a narcissistic professional athlete (yes, I realize that was redundant) attempting to prove to us that he or she is good at everything they do?  There’s nothing new about athletes singing and as exhibit “A” I give you this video of Babe Ruth:

Or maybe something newer like exhibit “B”, this video of Carl Lewis torturing our National Anthem:

Truly awful stuff.

I don’t even remember where I picked up this week’s gem, probably because I was instantly traumatized knowing how awful it would be.  It was produced in 1985, right around the same time the Bears put out their Superbowl Shuffle:

There must have been something bad in the water back in ’85 to make these two teams want to abuse our auditory senses like this.  I’ve forgiven Walter Payton for the Shuffle not just because he was the greatest running back in history of the game, but because he was an incredibly kind man who should inspire the rest of us to be better people.

Now granted the Cowboys put together this album under the guise of charity,  but it is a truly awful piece of work.  Wouldn’t they have raised more money for charity if they all just pitched in a grand or two?  Perhaps saving their fans from having to endure this 40 minutes of pain.   This week’s post is really more of a public service.  Kids, if you ever become a professional athlete, please remember that no matter what your agent tells you, we don’t want to hear you sing.  So do us all a favor and STEP AWAY FROM THE MICROPHONE!!  Thank you!

Fortunately, the Cowboys only sing on the first two tracks so I might be over-reacting a bit.  They bring in some ringers for the remainder of the album and I wish that I could say that it gets better.  Chris Christian is a singer/song writer/producer who ends up crooning most of the songs including one with his wife.  Personally, I think he’s painful to listen to but he’s apparently well-regarded in Christian music circles.  If Christian music is your thing, then please disregard my opinion.

Do, however, check out “Twelve Days of Christmas”.  Unless your name is Bob and Doug McKenzie, you shouldn’t be attempting comedy by trying to make this song funny.  What we have in the end is a stunning example of what happens when athletes overestimate their vocal abilities.

I think as a matter of full disclosure I should mention that I’m a life-long Vikings fan.  I was 12 years old in 1975 when Roger Staubach hit Drew Pearson with the infamous “Hail Mary” that denied what was arguably the best Vikings team ever from the Super Bowl.  I don’t remember much about being 12, but I remember that game.  Do I hate the Cowboys?  Sure I do.  I rank them just below the NY Yankees in the list of teams that I can’t stand.  But my petty frustrations of watching the Vikings blow another one year in and year out aren’t what this is all about.  The point here is this:  If we keep putting these morons on a pedestal, they’ll keep thinking that we actually enjoy listening to crap like this.  So next time Shaq thinks that we want to listen to his rhymes, just say “no”.

In the name of fairness, somewhere in my vast vinyl collection is a copy of The Minnesota Vikings Sing.  I’m not making that up.  I’ve never listened to it because quite frankly, it scares me and there’s a strong possibility that it may be even worse than this Cowboys album.  When I can manage to locate it, I promise to post it here and ridicule it with all of the zest that I’ve dedicated to ripping this LP.

Tracks:

Side One

Side Two

Continue reading Dallas Cowboys – Dallas Cowboys Christmas (1985)